From the detective who found The Golden State Killer , a memoir of investigating America’s toughest cold cases and the rewards - - and toll - - of a life solving crime .
    
   I order another bourbon , neat . This is the drink that will flip the switch . I don’t even know how I got here , to this place , to this point . Something is happening to me lately . I’m drinking too much . My sheets are soaking wet when I wake up from nightmares of decaying corpses . I order another drink and swig it , trying to forget about the latest case I can’t shake .
    
   Crime - solving for me is more complex than the challenge of the hunt , or the process of piecing together a scientific puzzle . The thought of good people suffering drives me , for better or worse , to the point of obsession .
    
   People always ask how I am able to detach from the horrors of my work . Part of it is an innate capacity to compartmentalize; the rest is experience and exposure , and I’ve had plenty of both . But I had always taken pride in the fact that I can keep my feelings locked up to get the job done . It’s only been recently that it feels like all that suppressed darkness is beginning to seep out .
    
   When I look back at my long career , there is a lot I am proud of . I have caught some of the most notorious killers of the twenty - first century and brought justice and closure for their victims and families . I want to tell you about a lifetime solving these cold cases , from Laci Peterson to Jaycee Dugard to the Pittsburg homicides to , yes , my twenty - year - long hunt for the Golden State Killer .
    
   But a deeper question eats at me as I ask myself , at what cost? I have sacrificed relationships , joy—even fatherhood—because the pursuit of evil always came first . Did I make the right choice? It’s something I grapple with every day . Yet as I stand in the spot where a young girl took her last breath , as I look into the eyes of her family , I know that , for me , there has never been a choice . “I don’t know if I can solve your case , ” I whisper . “But I promise I will do my best . ”
    
   It is a promise I know I can keep .
   

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